¶ I'm goin' down to south park
Gonna have myself a time ¶
¶ friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation¶
¶ I'm goin' down to south park
Gonna leave my woes behind¶
¶ ample parking day or night,
People spouting, "howdy,
Neighbor" ¶
¶ I'm headin' down to south park
Gonna see if I can't unwind ¶
¶ murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr
Mff mrmmph! Murpph mmmph mmph
Mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! ¶
>> welcome, oh, welcome to our
Little play.
It's our hope that you all learn
Something today.
>> I am a tooth.
So white and so strong.
>> I am a toothbrush.
My bristles are long.
>> together we work to keep the
Bad guy away.
>> he's mean and he hurts, and
His name's tooth decay!
His name is tooth decay!
>> where is tooth decay?
>> tooth decay, that's your cue!
>> he's not here!
>> what do you mean he's not
Here?
>> he's at home watching the
Royal wedding!
>> the what?
>> he said he had to watch it!
>> is this some kind of joke?
We are two weeks into tech
Rehearsals!
Who the heck would sit at home,
Watching the royal wedding?
>> it is a glorious spring
Morning and literally thousands
Have gathered for the royal
Wedding.
People are still filing inside
The abbey, to watch the prince
And princess of canada exchange
Their vows.
What a great day for canadians
Everywhere.
>> the winnipeg drummers playing
The 'March of a thousand farts'
As is traditional for the
Canadian royal family.
All the biggest canadian
Celebrities are on hand.
There are sirs terrance and
Phillip with their wives, the
Lovely queef sisters.
I believe -- yes, I believe one
Of the sisters quiffed just now.
>> there are canadian recording
Artists sir brian adams and sir
Corey hart.
Everyone looking smashing today.
>> there he is, the prince of
Canada.
What a wonderful day it is for
Him.
What a wonderful day it is for
All of us.
>> inside the abbey now,
Everyone waiting with
Anticipation.
There's the queen of canada, in
Attendance of course.
I believe she just quiffed.
>> the prince makes his way down
The aisle.
Led by the bishop of
Newfoundland.
People in attendance now gently
Tossing captain crunch as the
Prince passes by, as of course
Is tradition.
>> the prince takes his place
Next to the large vat of
Butterscotch pudding.
Oh and here she comes!
>> yes, there she is!
The about to be princess of
Canada!
Isn't she ravishing?
So pure of heart, so strong in
Body.
So hot in the face.
She is indeed the living symbol
Of our great country.
My god, she's beautiful.
Princess.
>> the canadian prince is now
Dipping his arms in the pudding,
As is tradition.
The princess will of course
Scrape the pudding off the
Prince's arms thus symbolizing
Their union.
What a glorious day for our
Country and indeed the world.
>> and now of course the -- wait
A minute, what's this -- oh oh,
Something is going terribly
Wrong!
>> the top, yes, the top of the
Abbey is collapsing.
>> the prince and the princess
Look on in horror.
>> this is not the tradition.
This is not traditional at all.
>> a giant hole now blasted into
The ceiling debris falling down
And crushing several spectators
Which is also not the tradition
For a royal canadian wedding.
A bright beam of light shooting
Through the hole in the ceiling.
The princess now is in some kind
Of isometric cube.
This is certainly breaking with
Tradition now.
>> no!
No!
>> canadians in attendance
Cannot believe their eyes.
Widespread panic.
The princess being hoisted away.
The little mushroom people of
Nova scotia, screaming with
Horror.
The prince is attempting to grab
Hold of the cube.
The duke and duchess of calgary
Are hiding behind the pews.
This is indeed a horrible day
For all of canada, and therefore
-- And the pudding has just been
Knocked over!
Oh, this does not go with
Tradition at all.
The royal pudding now spilling
All over the abbey as the
Princess is lifted up.
Up.
And she is gone.
The princess has been taken.
This is indeed a horrible day
For canada, and therefore, the
Rest of the world.
[crying]
>> I am a tooth.
So white and so strong.
>> I am a toothbrush.
My bristles are long.
>> together we work to keep the
Bad guy away.
He's mean and he hurts, and his
Name's tooth decay!
>> his name's tooth decay!
[crying]
>> oh no!
It's tooth decay!
>> he's gonna get us!
[crying]
No, no.
Tooth decay.
Your character is supposed to be
Mean and nasty, mkay.
Not crying.
[moaning, sobbing and crying]
>> no, no.
See, tooth decay can't be sad
Until toothbrush and dental
Floss have gotten rid of him.
You can't just start already
Sad, there's nowhere to go.
There's no arc, mkay?
[crying]
>> oh for cryin' out loud!
Alright, alright, tooth decay,
You just go home and sort
Yourself out!
The rest of us will rehearse the
Finale again.
And you better come back
Tomorrow with a different
Attitude, tooth decay, mkay?
>> the tornado was said to be
The deadliest in 56 years.
In other news, it's been 24
Hours now and the princess of
Canada is still missing.
All of canada is in mourning as
Nationwide suicides abound.
>> the princess is gone!
>> ahghghhggh!
>> ahghghghgghgh!
>> aghghghghghgh!
>> ahghghghghgh!
>> the princess is gone!
>> balghgh!
>> ahghgh!
>> ahghghgh!
>> a massive candlelight vigil
Was held last night, led by the
Canadian band rush.
¶
And it seems to me you lived
Your life like a flower breaking
Wind.
¶
¶ never knowing who to turn
Towards ¶
The prince of canada has said
That --
>> we have just received
Breaking news that the canadian
Government now knows who took
The princess.
The canadian prime minister is
Instructing all people of
Canadian descent to go home and
'open their box of faith.'
>> box of faith?
What the heck is that?
>> hello there my noble, strong,
Fellow canadian.
If you are watching this
Filmstrip, then no doubt canada
Is in grave danger.
>> as you know, the very heart
Of canada is the royal family.
If you have been ordered to open
Your box of faith, then one or
More of the royal family must be
In peril.
Or else you just opened your box
Of faith and are watching this
Without being told to in which
Case you are a dick.
>> if you have indeed been
Instructed to open the box, then
This is a call to arms.
All canadians in fighting
Condition are asked to meet by
The tree in edmonton.
>> in your box of faith you will
Find all the items you need.
A location beacon, a first aid
Kit and a sandwich.
You may eat the sandwich now.
Good luck, canadian citizen, and
God help you.
All of canada is relying on you.
¶
Where are you going?
>> ike, where are you going?
>> I gotta get to canada and
Join the army and save the
Princess!
[bell ringing]
Whereas salagadoola mechika
Boola equals x.
And bibbidy bobbidy boo is y.
Put 'em together and what have
You got?
Bibbidy bobbidy boo - x+y=y.
X=zero.
>> the song is badly written.
Second verse x+y=bibbidy bobbidy
Cubed + boo.
>> kyle broflovski!
Do you mind telling me where
Your brother is?
>> I don't know.
>> how am I supposed to do a
Play, mkay, teaching students
About the importance of dental
Hygiene without tooth decay?
We have two more days of tech,
And then previews start on
Monday.
What am I supposed to do, kyle?
You tell me!
>> well, couldn't you, you know,
Just get rid of the part of
Tooth decay?
>> getting rid of tooth decay is
What I'm trying to do!!
>> ha, ha.
>> he's your brother, kyle
Hey.
Hey there.
>> you going to canada too?
What am I saying?
Of course you're going to
Canada.
You're canadian, sure enough.
Opened your box of faith, did
You?
Me too.
They can't take our princess and
Get away with it!
Mind if I sit down?
>> soon as I heard the call
There was no question I was
Gonna sign up!
Didn't care how far away I was,
I was gonna get to the rally
Point at the tree in edmonton.
Didn't know other canadians
Living here in the u.S.
I'm from toronto originally.
But everywhere I went people
Were terrified by my
Disfigurement.
>> I have to wear this bag on my
Head because I'm hideously ugly.
Had to move here to the united
States.
Here people don't think I look
Ugly.
They just think I look canadian.
>> the name's ugly bob.
I am a tooth.
So white and so strong.
>> I am a toothbrush.
My bristles are long.
>> together we work to keep the
Bad guy away.
He's mean and he hurts, and his
Name's tooth decay!
>> I am tooth decay!
Your teeth shall be mine!
With candy and treats I will
Take --
>> hold it!
Hold it!
Stop!
>> what the heck was that?
>> I'm just doing the lines.
>> the audience is supposed to
Feel scared of tooth decay,
Kyle!
Mkay?
If tooth decay has no
Believability, then toothbrush
And dental floss have nothing to
Play against!
>> I'm trying, mr. Mackey, I
Really am.
>> oh, you're tryin'.
You call rolling your fat ass
Out on the stage and lazily
Blurting out your lines like a
Turtle taking a [bleep].
You call that trying?
This play is supposed to change
How people think, kyle, get it
Right.
>> just pick it up from there.
Brave canadians!
You have answered the call and
Now we must face our greatest
Foe.
The princess has been kidnapped
And we believe this to be the
Work of the giant!
>> ooh, the giant!
The giant!
>> that's not good.
>> we are attempting to attract
The giant now, with a bowl of
Kraft dinner.
When the giant arrives, we will
Attack him with our guns, our
Swords, our --
>> fee fi fo fum, I smell kraft
Dinner.
>> it's the giant!
[screaming]
>> scott, give us back the
Princess, scott!!
>> you fart loving tricksters!
I'll take care of you?
>> you're a dick, scott.
You have always been a dick.
And then you got radiation
Poisoning in ottawa and now
You're a giant dick.
>> no, you all kept calling me a
Dick, and so then that turned me
Into a dick!
And then I got radiation
Poisoning in ottawa and now I'm
A giant dick!
Just hand over the princess of
Canada!
>> why would I take the princess
Of canada?
>> because you're a giant dick?
>> I'm also the biggest canadian
Patriot of all of you!
You know that I would never harm
The royal family!
Aw, crap.
Sorry, everyone, looks like we
Had some bad intel.
Return to your homes.
>> come on.
Let's go.
>> yeah, we tried.
That's all we can do.
Come on.
>> well, at least we tried.
I guess the princess is gone for
Good, huh?
What is wrong with you people?
It is perfectly obvious who took
The princess!
I might be a giant, but there is
One threat to canada bigger than
Me!
>> who?
>> the native canadians!
>> the native canadians?
There, you see that?
God damn, native canadians.
Think they run the world.
[
[indigenous language]
Fart loving eskimos.
I'm sure they've taken the
Princess.
Just look at them.
Loudmouth self-centered
Assholes.
[indigenous language]
>> let's get 'em!
Let's mess 'em up!
What?
You're looking at me like I'm
Some kind of eskimo racist!
>> well, I'm not!
Think aboot it!
Before the noble white man
Arrived, canada was populated
With these snow monkeys.
Who else would be pissed off
Enough at canada to kidnap our
Royalty?
Oh shit!
Okay, in fifteen minutes you all
Are not gonna care about this
Anymore so I'll just say what I
Need to say.
That was the worst rehearsal we
Have ever had.
We are two days away from
Opening and you're all messing
Around!
That's because tooth decay
Sucks.
>> yeah!
>> that's right.
>> tooth decay sucks!
>> it's him!
>> oh don't put this all on
Tooth decay!
>> lemme tell you something,
Dental floss.
You're not as good as you think
You are!
You're already acting like
You're a star and we haven't
Even opened yet!
Open your eyes, dental floss.
You're about to blow your shot!
>> neck-a-mic, pee-yoosh-tu-ah!
[indigenous language]
>> ohhhhh!!
>> he says that the taking of
The princess was foretold.
[indigenous language]
>> he says eskimos do hate us
Canadians, but that there is an
Even bigger threat to canada who
Has the princess!
[indigenous language]
>> he said the evil that took
Her wasn't canadian at all, but
A beast, who preys upon people
Of all nationalities!
They can lead us to the beast,
But we will have to destroy it!
>> I don't know what the god
Damn problem is.
Maybe you all don't know how
Serious tooth decay is, maybe
You all just don't give a heck.
You all probably think you can
Live your lives cavity free,
Mkay, never giving two cents
About the plaque that's building
On your teeth.
>> kyle, you have
Single-handedly destroyed all
That which I worked on for the
Past six years.
And so I want you to know, kyle,
Once and for all, why this whole
Dental hygiene thing is so
Important to me.
>> two years ago I lost my
Father to tooth decay, mkay.
He was an intelligent, hard
Working man and my whole family
Watched as tooth decay took him
In the blink of an eye!
>> you've been told to brush and
To floss, but do you really know
[indigenous language]
>> this is stupid!
I'm telling you, you're making a
Mistake, kid!
>> aw, leave the kid alone,
Scott.
>> well, what are we doing
Following this ice beaner?
We've been walking around for
Hours!
[indigenous language]
>> don't worry.
If there's one thing eskimos are
Good at it's finding things.
>> eskimos are good for nothing.
I paid one to give me a blow job
Once.
All she did was rub her nose
Against my penis for 45 seconds
And then asked me to pay her.
God damn polar gooks.
>> stop being a dick, scott.
>> oh, so now I'm a dick!
>> wait a minute!
Look!
>> ahghgghghghgh!!
>> it's the princess!
>> princess!
Your teeth are your friends.
They are friends in your mouth.
Take care of your friends, or
They'll rot and fall out.
>> visit your dentist.
He is your friend too.
>> and dental floss also is here
To help you.
>> oh, no, not dental floss!
What will I do?
>> flat!
You're flat!
There!
>> please, save me!
You have to hurry!
It wants to kill me?!
>> who took you, princess?
>> I should have listened!
I didn't believe it was real!
Oh god!
It's behind you!
[roaring]
Of course!
The evil atok atok!
The dark lord that takes from
All nationalities.
It's tooth decay.
>> I am tooth decay!
Your teeth shall be mine!
[crying]
>> I should have always brushed
And flossed and avoided sweets!
>> fart loving tooth decay!
I'll fix you!
Argh!
[roaring]
[indigenous language]
[swat!]
>> save me!
Save me!
>> it's coming for me!
Help!
>> help!
>> princess!
Look away!
[roaring]
>> what the --
>> you did it, kid!
[indigenous language]
>> oh, thank you!
Thank you!
I want you all to take a serious
Look at yourselves, mkay!
>> act one was pure dog shit!
If tooth decay is singing flat,
Then the whole thing sounds
Flat!
Mkay?
>> mr. Mackey!
Mr. Mackey!
>> we are putting a stop to this
Play.
It's over.
>> what?
Why?
Don't worry, act 2 will be
Better.
These kids just aren't listening
To me.
>> no, it's over.
They got him, mr. Mackey.
Tooth decay.
They got the son of a bitch.
>> what?
>> up in the yukon.
All bureaus are confirming it.
>> you can let it go, mackey.
Tooth decay is gone.
>> oh.
>> oh, god.
Go on home, kids, mkay.
It's over.
>> what?
¶
>> the princess now giving the
Canadian medal of courage to
Ugly bob, and also to scott who
Is of course a giant dick.
And katook-took of the yukon.
The medal, of course, made of
White chocolate, as is
Tradition.
What a glorious day for canada,
And therefore, the world.
>> the duke of calgary, standing
Up and putting on a fake beard.
A tradition passed down since
The birth of canada.
The princess now knighting sir
Ike broflovski.
Giving him three kisses and a
Pair of socks, as is tradition.
I mean, come on, guys, that's
Pretty cool, right?
My little brother is a knight in
Canada.
>> my sister is a den leader in
Girl scouts.
>> my uncle's the second in line
To be manager at gart brothers.
>> hmm, yeah.
>> and now the scraping off of
The pudding.
Isn't she beautiful, scraping
Off the pudding with the grace
Of a butterfly.
She rubs the pudding on her
Face.
The prince now attempting to
Remove one of the princess'
Arms.
As is, of course, the tradition.
The princess screaming with
Pain.
Everyone watching with
Anticipation.
And the arm is off!
Things are back to normal here
In canada.
The time honored traditions are
Once again -- yes, the prince is
Sticking the princess' arm up
His ass.
There it goes.
He's really making a good go of
It.
What a wonderful day for canada.
And therefore, of course, the
Subs straight from CC